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Week 5 - Arizona Cardinals (4-0) @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-0) 0

Just every so often, purely by random chance, Monday Night Football throws up a game that people who don't habitually wear canvas jackets with natty buckle-up cuffs might actually want to watch. Such as, for example, a matchup between two unbeaten teams, one of whom boasts the NFL's best defence, and the other of whom is the Arizona Cardinals.

"You're not going to make that joke about the Buccaneers again, are you?"

What joke?

"You know perfectly well what joke."

I've absolutely no idea what you're blithering about, you senile old fool.

"Of course you have."

Of course I don't.

"Do."

Don't.

"Do."

Don't. Come on, give me a hint, here.

"You know. It's the one that starts, "where's me buccaneers?"."

Under me buckin' 'at! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

"Death's too good for you."

No, but seriously, folks. The Bucs' success is built around the Front Seven Where Running Backs Go To Die, featuring Simeon Rice, Warren Sapp, Booger McFarland and Derrick Brooks backed up by two top-notch cornerbacks. There aren't too many weaknesses to exploit on that side of the ball, but there are areas that are less stupidly skilled than others - to whit, the left side of the line manned by Dewayne White and Ryan Nece. Who dey? Exactly.

Things are a wee bit less glittering on the offensive side of the ball. With Brad Johnson's retirement, the latest in a long line of caretaker-style Tampa Bay signal-callers, and the man charged with just throwing Keyshawn the damn' ball is Chris Simms, with a mighty 5 starts in his 3-year NFL career. Fulfilling the NFL-wide "One Superstar, One Nobody" quota at receiver is rookie (Bad, Bad) Ethan Brown, who has decent downfield speed but probably lacks the guile and quickness to shake off Jed Bowden on a consistent basis.

Simms can't look for too much help from the running game, either. Mike Alstott is still there, of course, and probably will be until he slows down so much he's actually going backwards, but with former Cardinal Michael Pittman sidelined for a month with a torn tricep, it falls to distinctly average ex-Colt Dominic Rhodes to try and shoulder the load behind a so-so offensive line.

So. One of the NFL's best young head coaches against the old stager who helped win him the Super Bowl. A boom-or-bust offence against a showstopping defence, and an improving D against a hardworking but limited O under the bright lights of a national TV audience. It's flip-a-coin time, isn't it?

-

Monday night! Whooooo!

The Cardinals are playing in the league's prime-time showcase for the first time in three centuries (Caution! Fact may not be factual!) and facing an unbeaten conference rival at their place, it could only be a bigger game were it the St. Louis "Bloody" Rams in the opposite corner.

But, Mike Martz, your time will come. You know it in your soul. For I am your soul!

Um. Sorry about that. Frank Miller moment. Aaaaanyway...

To the great surprise of roughly nobody, it's the ferocious Tampa Bay defence that has the better of the early going, twice holding us to three plays and a punt. To the great surprise of roughly everyone, it's the milquetoast Tampa Bay offence that opens the scoring, cruising downfield on their opening drive with a mixture of short passes and... er, more short passes before finally hitting a brick wall at our 7 and sending in Whatshisname Gramatica (no, not him, the other one) to smack a short three.

And they look ready to repeat the dose on their second possession, before I finally pull my head out of my arse and realise, given that they have a noodle-armed quarterback behind a disinterested line and a receiving corps whose speed is best described as "glacial", that it might actually be quite a good idea to flood the short zones with defenders and challenge them to try and beat us deep. The change is immediate - Chris Simms' first pass against the cover-2 comes within a gnat's tadger of being picked off by a combination of Ade Wilson and Levar Fisher. His second pass against the cover-2 actually is picked off, and only a despairing, finger-tap tackle by Simms stops Jed Bowden taking it eighty yards home.

Still, first down at the Tampa Bay 40, and we do so love a short field. The process of wearing down their undersized front seven continues with repeated frontal assaults from Marcel Shipp, and it's Shipp who delivers the coup de grace with two runs from the Buc 8 to give us the lead.

Still, early days, and the Bucs begin their next drive with a first down on - yep, you've guessed it - a short pass, to the veteran tight end Ken Dilger. Then we switch back to the cover-2, and once again the wheels come off their wagon at an alarming rate - Simms goes looking for Dilger again, and this time it's Shaun Springs who's underneath the pattern for the interception with wide open space in front of him all thirty yards to the goal-line. In an eyeblink we've scored twice, and just like that we have the lead - ARI 14-3 TB

Back come Tampa Bay, with a slow but dogged drive that takes them back into our territory. On third and 10 however, we wheel out the zone coverage and once again Chris Simms reacts to it in roughly the same way that Kal-El responds to Kryptonite. With big Shaun Rogers coming up the middle in the manner of a particularly well-fed freight train, Simms gives it the sort of wild heave-ho made famous by Brett Favre in last year's playoff game in Philly, aiming in the rough direction of Snoop Minnis up the seam. The off-balance pass dies in the air like Buddy Holly, and it's weakside linebacker Levar Fisher who reacts first, going up to grab our third interception of the night.

Fisher turns upfield, starts looking for a gap to make his return and is promptly clobbered from behind by receiver Ethan Brown. The crowd are on their feet as the ball squirts loose, and it skids crazily across the turf for a moment before bouncing straight up into the hands of Buc guard Kerry Jenkins. Of course it bloody does. Arse!

I barely have time to see the chance to put the game away slipping from our fingers before Ade Wilson hits the melee at a decent percentage of light-speed. Two hundred pounds of safety meets three hundred pounds of offensive lineman, and there's only going to be one winner. Jenkins does his world-famous impersonation of a sack of potatoes, the ball hits the deck once again and a polite, dignified pile-up ensues.

Somewhere in the depths, DT Wendell Bryant gets his hands on the pigskin and is too stupid to let go, and we've secured the turnover at the cost of only several thousand grey hairs and one mild heart-attack among the coaching-staff. We get a short Whatshisname Gramatica (no, not the other one, him) figgie out of the drive, and that's it for first-half scoring. We've gained more yards from catching passes thrown by the other team's QB than from our own, but  y'know, it doesn't do to nit-pick. Halftime, ARI 17-3 TB

-

"I spoke to the Cardinals coach at halftime," burbles Leslie Visser as the teams trot out to start the third quarter. "And though he's pleased they're in the lead, he's not at all happy with the performance of his defence..."

"Uh... So, Monte Kiffin wants more out of a defence that's held Tampa Bay to just three points in the first half?" inquires Al Michaels.

"That's right, Al."

"The defence that outscored the Bucs on their own?"

"Uh... yes. Yes."

"The defence that forced three turnovers and put the offence in a position to score twice?"

"Umm..."

"The defence that on the very first play of the second half collapsed the pocket around Simms, causing the young quarterback to put up a kamikaze throw off his back foot across his body without looking at his receiver, making the ball float slowly and gracefully straight into Shawn Springs' arms and setting up the cornerback's second touchdown of the day? Would that be the defence that Coach Kiffin isn't happy with?"

"That's... er... what he told me, Al."

"Leslie. Come on. You're just making this crap up now, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"So what did the Cardinals coach say at half time?"

"I don't know."

"Say sorry, Leslie."

"Sorry, Leslie."

"You dizzy bint."

Jon Gruden has obviously sussed that if he's to have any chance of clawing the game back, he really has to threaten us deep and shake us out of the cover-2 that his quarterback seems to have no idea whatsoever how to deal with despite having seen it in practice every single week of his NFL career. Since all of his wideouts seem to think that their shoulderpads will explode if they go further than ten yards from the line of scrimmage, it's running back Dominic Rhodes who he sends sneaking down the right sideline. Two defenders are there, but Simms throws anyway, it's a jump ball, a lottery, up they all go... and Rhodes comes down with it. First down, and Tampa Bay's first visit to our redzone since their first possession.

Still, if it worked once, it's bound to work again, right?

Rhodes heads left on the wheel, Simms feels pressure and unloads just a bit quicker than he wanted to, the ball heads up into the warm evening air like a child's balloon, steepling high but taking forever to drift out toward the sideline. Jed Bowden has about an hour to adjust, but he's right under the highest point in the flight, there's no cover behind him and he's just given away six points...

...and up he goes, higher and higher, hanging at the apex of his leap like Wyle E. Coyote over a cliff, reaching up with just one hand and criminy, he might just get his fingers to this and knock the pass down...

...and, my God, he has! The pass strikes his fingertips, and sticks...

...and sticks?

BLOODY HELL!

The crowd are deathly silent as Bowden races 85 yards uncontested for our third interception return TD of the night, and that's the game done as a contest. ARI 31-3 TB

Chris Simms is left in 'till the bloody end - Gruden's approach seems to be "you don't get to come and sit down 'till  you do SOMETHING right" meaning that there's still time for pick number six - Levar Fisher's second of the evening leading to four clock-grinding runs and a figgie.

Oh, and for a seventh interception that doubles up as Simms' fourth TD pass to the wrong team, Jed Bowden securing his election as the Horse Trailer Player Of The Game by closing brilliantly on a fractionally overthrown pass, taking it away from Ethan Brown's fingertips then picking up a couple of nice blocks on his way to the endzone.

Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be... Ty Detmer!

Madden can't allow the CPU team not to score a touchdown, of course, but it's much too little, much too late. Despite racking up less than 250 yards of total offence, we move to 5-0. Final score ARI 44-10 TB

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(c) daniel roe 2004